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Start Treating Everyone Differently
Fresh Start, Issue 18

We tend to try to motivate or communicate with our children, spouse, co-workers, or friends all in the same way. We assume that what motivates one motivates all. But if you stop and notice the results, you'll realize that simply isn't true. Each person "schemes" for different things, each person is looking for something different , and each person can only be motivated by what he is personally "scheming" or looking for.

For instance, many children or employees scheme for presents, money or bonuses. However, just as many individuals are motivated by praise and acknowledgment. The first incentive simply doesn't work on the second type of person. A good example is a teacher or boss who berates an employee or student for his lack of knowledge. The boss thereby assumes that the student or employee's target value is the acquisition of or correct use of knowledge . In fact, the student or employee may be looking for respect, and in this case, he's getting the opposite of what he's looking for. As a result, he may just haul off and slug his teacher or employer, which in his eyes might then establish respect with his peer group, if not with his teacher or boss.

Bottom Line: Listen Carefully. Ask lots of questions. Find out what motivates the person you're trying to persuade.

It's also true that we all interpret life's events differently. Everyone has his own system or "filter", which deletes, distorts or generalizes differently, all according to each of our own histories, beliefs, values and about 25 other "meta-programs." Given that we all have very different filters, we're going to hear and react to the exact same event much differently. We're going to be interested and motivated by entirely different things and by varied approaches.

Unless you're with someone 24/7, it could take you quite a while to understand what exactly they're scheming for or how they filter information. To discover more about how these processes work, keep reading articles on God on the Net , or buy a copy of Kevin Hogan's book The Psychology of Persuasion.

by CV Doner, PhD

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