Foundations for Success > Fifth Commandment

Honor Your Parents

When I was a child one of my heroes was my grandfather. He was a combination of Zeus and Sean Connery. I loved riding around with him in his luxury sedans listening to his stories of his five sons of whom my dad was the oldest. On one such occasion I remember telling him of some trouble I was having at school and how a certain "stupid teacher" was the source of all my woes. He immediately rebuked me and told me that "Wilsons don't act like that." My Grandfather did not believe in being a victim, but in responsible action. Without any hesitation whatsoever I made a mental note to refrain from ever speaking in that manner again. It was really quite simple: Wilsons don't do it that way.

People usually work pretty hard at living up to the expectations and reputations of the groups of which they are a part. This is particularly true of the family. Whatever struggles we may have with our mother's and father's beliefs and values, the fact remains that it pains us to cross over lines that are so very important to them. We want them to be pleased with us and so we seek to be pleasing to them. Not only is this a normal response, it is usually a healthy one.

To honor our mother and father is to honor our inheritance. From our parents we have received life, care, nourishment, some wisdom, and a support system while we were learning to walk on our own two feet and other such incredible blessings. We have also stepped into a world full of roads, cars, grocery stores, telephones, air conditioners, VCRs and other such blessings that were provided by the "parents" that came before us. We did not make the world we were born into: it was a gift.

It is our mothers and fathers who provide us with our first school, our first interaction with a government, our first lessons about work, productivity and earning a living, and other such important learning experiences. Certainly some parents do a better job here then others but even those parents who neglect or abandon their responsibilities have taught their children how not to go about living life.

Honoring parents as a ground rule, is probably a bit shocking in a culture that appears to be filled with people who believe their parents were criminally abusive. If you are such a person allow me to make a couple of suggestions here. First, I believe we can all see the value of this rule for the health and welfare of a society. If the family breaks down, the culture will disintegrate. If some parents do not live up to their responsibility it does not negate the ground rule but actually is a witness to what happens when the family disregards honorable behavior.

Another suggestion for those who believe they have been abused and think it ludicrous to "honor" their parents is to look at the past through their parent's eyes. Is it possible that they were abused as children and were only repeating a pattern they had lived with? Is it possible that-without approving of their behavior-that they did the best they could given their own history?

If you are someone whose parents were simply so abusive that no amount of empathy or consideration can allow you to honor them, then consider "parents" in a larger context. Are there aunts or uncles, teachers or clergy whom you can honor in some familial fashion? And is it possible for you to honor these mentors in the sense that through them that you received care, love, recognition or wisdom?

Honorable Parenting

Have you noticed all of the books available that deal with parenting? There are shelves after shelves after shelves full of books on everything from teething to teaching your children various investment strategies. The reason for a market for such books is that an increasing percentage of the population is serious about being good parents, about being parents their children can honor.

I suggest that if we parents will be congruent, loving and wise and teach our children to do the same they will never have a reason to tell some therapist that this commandment was impossible to keep in regard to their parents!

Congruency

A child's parents are his or her first examples of how to live life. If the parents say what they mean and mean what they say, the child will probably do the same. If the parents live the values they profess, the child will do the same. If the parents live by one code of morals at home, another code at church and still another at work, the child will see this and act accordingly.

All of us have multiple roles in life. We are sons or daughters, husbands or wives, moms or dads. We have a role at work, another role at church, still another with our friends. This is life. The challenge is for us to maintain our core beliefs and values and to maintain the same virtues no matter what role we are playing.

Certainly there are behaviors that are appropriate in some contexts that are inappropriate in another context. However, how often do we take a chameleon-like perspective on the beliefs and morals of the group we are with, changing as soon as we change settings? Is this the action of a wise, spiritually healthy person? Is this how we want our children to behave when they grow up?

One of the greatest and most important sources of an efficacious and powerful life is congruency. When every aspect of an individual's beliefs, standards of morality and feelings line up in sync with their actions there is a synergy that takes place that appears almost nuclear powered!

Loving

It is a great blessing to be raised by a wonderful mother and father who were always there for me. They believed in me, they encouraged me, they introduced me to the importance of faith in God and they disciplined me according to the very clear laws of the family. There was to be no lying, no disrespect toward either parent, no stealing. Obeying the Ten Commandments was a given. We were to work hard around the house, keep our commitments and faithfully attend church. The triune virtues were duty, loyalty and honor. And if we failed to keep these or other laws, we would face the consequences with mom and dad-usually dad. In short, my parents loved their four children.

How can I say I love my children if I permit or encourage by example behavior that does not please God? How can I say I love my children if I do not seek to prepare them for living life in a manner that will give them the greatest opportunities for success? If I care for my children I am going to provide the sort of instruction and atmosphere that nourishes the beliefs and behaviors that will please God and make for a healthy life when they are on they are grown and on their own.

To love our children is not just to have warm, tender feelings toward them but to behave toward them in a way that will give them the best shot at being healthy, responsible, and successful individuals. I know parents who have never allowed their children to take risks for fear they will be hurt. They have so protected their children's psyches that they have never faced the sort of challenges that would have prepared them for the world they will face when they leave home. These same parents often think being stern with their children would be a crime when, if they would just read their Bibles, they would see that their loving heavenly Father is plenty stern. In fact, God says that one of the ways we can know that we are His children is through His discipline. In other words, where there is no discipline there is no love.

Life Skills

What do the following people have in common?

One of the things they may have in common is a parent who did not teach them the fundamental skills of living successfully in Western society. Does this mean that their parent's did not love them? Certainly not. Does it mean that their children will have difficulty competing in the market place and experiencing much of what life has to offer? Yes.

Superior communication skills, wisdom in relationships, excellent work habits, appropriate manners and effective decision-making strategies are things honorable parents will want to provide for their children. This doesn't mean that they have to do all the teaching, only that they will do their best to see to it that the instruction is available.

The Promise

If this commandment is difficult for you, it's important to understand that it's the only one of God's ground rules that with an explicit promise: "Honor your mother and father that you may have a long, good life". This relationship between our actions and their consequences is implied in the other commandments (given to both protect ourselves and to safeguard others against our selfish, irresponsible, or injurious acts). Here it clearly stated as a "ground rule", or "condition" for a "long, good life". No doubt God in His wisdom had many reasons for giving us this promise (perhaps because He knew how difficult it would be for some of us!).

As we learn more and more how bitterness can cause a myriad of health problems - leading to a poor quality of life (emotionally as well as physically), and premature death. As we recognize how love and forgiveness are healing, freeing, and empowering, we begin to appreciate the deep wisdom in this command. And of course, we remember Christ's maxim and treat others (yes, our parents!) the way we would like to be treated. (Mt 5:7) [Golden Rule].

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Preserve Life