Values: Why do I do what I do?

I read somewhere recently that the vast majority of people who go to the movies prefer those that make them laugh. This really didn't surprise me. We all love to laugh, want to be happy. Even those who love to wade around in melancholy, love to go to movies that make them cry, actually do so because this makes them "happy."

The fact is that you choose to do what you do because you believe it will make you happy: or at least happier than the assumed results of other choices available to you. There is something about your choices that you believe-consciously or unconsciously-that have a peculiar value to you that motivated you.

Do this. Write down 15 things that you do that make you happy. The more intense the happiness and pleasure the better. I'll wait. Go ahead and begin writing. I am w-a-i-t-i-n-g…Okay.

Now. Let's go back and look at what you wrote down. As you read over your list, ask yourself this question: What is it about doing "x" that makes me happy? For example, if you wrote down "playing with my children," what is it about playing with your children that makes you happy? Is it the fulfillment of duty? Maybe it is a sense of connection you experience. I know a man who plays with his children because he is competing with his father to prove he is the better dad. Whatever the reason for the activity you wrote down, write it out next to the activity.

A few examples will demonstrate what I am asking you to do.

A "value" is something you seek to attain or maintain as an end in itself. "Running" is not an end in itself. The "health" you seek to attain or maintain is such an end. "Money" is not an end in itself: the reason you pursue money (freedom? security?) is an end. "Church" is not a value. The chief reason(s) you attend church would be the value. "Love" is a value, but it is a process not a thing. When you say "love" is a value, what do you mean by this? What about the process is of value to you? (intimacy? connection?)

Besides those I have already mentioned, some other examples of "values" are loyalty, education, spiritual connection, faithfulness, wisdom, problem solving, creativity, productivity. excellence, orderliness, learning, caring and mastery. What other can you think of? How many of these have you ever experienced?

Original Values

Where do most of our values come from? For most of us it was a process of unconscious osmosis!

When I was 6 years old, I would often ride around with my grandfather in his Cadillac. He would take me around with him as he checked on various crews of men who were building fences. One Saturday, he decided to take three of his crews (about 12 men) out for lunch. As he pulled up in front of the restaurant, three of his trucks pulled in right next to us. We all piled out and walked to the door, with my grandfather leading the way.

When my grandfather opened the door, there was a man standing there waiting for him who told him something that clearly angered my grandfather. He turned sharply back to the car and yelled for his men to return to their trucks. He was livid. As he slammed the car door, he turned to me and said, "If you treat people like animals, you are the animal. Never forget son, all of us are made in God's image and deserve to be treated with respect." The man would only serve blacks at the backdoor of the restaurant.

In my mind, my grandfather was the incarnation of Zeus, Moses and John Wayne. When he spoke it was Zeus thundering from Olympus, Moses coming down from Mt. Sinai, John Wayne saying, "Knock, Knock…" after he had burst into the room.

What do you think happened inside this little boy? "Mental note: treat all humans with respect." I didn't think about it. I didn't consider it. I didn't study other alternatives. I simply adopted one of my grandfather's highest values.

Not long after this, my father decided to leave the family business, go to graduate school, and become a minister. His sacrifices were enormous; as were the sacrifices he made for those he cared for over the next 20 years.

Little boy: "Mental note: sacrificing for others is good."

So is it any wonder this little boy grew up with a passion to serve others, and to work with charities and relief agencies? Those values motivated my choices.

Now you may think, "Well that was a good thing…those are good values." But the fact is I had no idea what my values were. The source of my happiness and the reasons behind my choices were like the wind: I had no idea where it came from or where it went. Had the value not been "good" for what I later wished to do with my life or had I adopted values that were destructive, or counter productive to my quest. I would be totally ignorant as to how to remedy the situation-or worse, would not even be aware that something needed "remedying."

How many people have any idea where their happiness comes from? It is a source of mystery to them. And because this is true, they have no idea whether their values are serving their Quest or not. And what about values that did serve them but now are outdated for the next phase of their journey?

In Search of Your Values

Some of your values have already begun to show themselves to you. Go back and read over the list of things you love to do (list "A") -and why (list "B"). In some cases, you will notice that while you wrote down different events or experiences, many of the reasons "why" (the underlying value) were the same. For example, you wrote down being with family, going to work and attending church-three separate events. Yet, next to each of those you wrote, "leading others." If this is the case you have just been introduced to a very important value: one that is way up there in determining your choices.

Let's do another assignment. Write down the names of 15 or 20 people you really admire. They can be living or dead, real or fictitious. Maybe you admire a family member, a teacher in college, a coach from high school or a character from a novel. Go ahead…I will wait.

Now. Go back and write down precisely what it is about these people that you admire. Again, here are some examples to demonstrate what I am asking for.

I did this exercise 15 years ago when I was first began seeking to ascertain what my values were. One of the first things that stood out was that half of the people I admired were held in high esteem because they were powerfully effective communicators: clearly, one of my higher values. The value they exhibited resonated within me as something important and valuable to me.

Go ahead. Go back and write down next to each person's name the reason why you admire this individual. .

We are now going to make a list of your values.

Take the list of events with the reasons why you find happiness in doing those things and compare it to this list of people and the reasons you admire them. Are there repetitions and similarities? If there are, then write these values down first. For example, if you enjoyed that sense of connection you experienced when playing with your children, and you admire someone because of their ability to connect with others, this value (connecting with others) is shaping up as something quite important to you.

Once you have done this, begin writing down all the other values you have noted and, where possible, write them down in descending order of importance. If "passion" is more important to you than "elegance," then you would write down passion and then elegance.

What we are after here is not only to identify your values but to also place them in order of importance. One way you can discern what value is placed where is to ask yourself this: if I could fully experience this value, what else would be necessary for me so as to experience even more happiness in my life? If, while considering a particular value, you realize there is nothing you would want more than to fully experience this value, it just may be that you have come upon your highest value.

As you arrange your values, begin to think about your past choices (and their consequences!) and how they relate to your values.

Looking Back on a Life Well Lived