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Why do I do what I do?

I read somewhere recently that the vast majority of people who go to the movies prefer those that make them laugh.

This really didn't surprise me. We all love to laugh, want to be happy. Even those who love to wade around in melancholy, love to go to movies that make them cry, actually do so because this makes them "happy."

The fact is that you choose to do what you do because you believe it will make you happy: or at least happier than the assumed results of other choices available to you. There is something about your choices that you believe-consciously or unconsciously-that have a peculiar value to you that motivated you.

Do this. Write down 15 things that you do that make you happy. The more intense the happiness and pleasure the better. I'll wait. Go ahead and begin writing. I am w-a-i-t-i-n-g…Okay.

Now. Let's go back and look at what you wrote down. As you read over your list, ask yourself this question: What is it about doing "x" that makes me happy? For example, if you wrote down "playing with my children," what is it about playing with your children that makes you happy? Is it the fulfillment of duty? Maybe it is a sense of connection you experience. I know a man who plays with his children because he is competing with his father to prove he is the better dad. Whatever the reason for the activity you wrote down, write it out next to the activity.

A few examples will demonstrate what I am asking you to do.

What motivates you is not the event itself, but the "value" attained in experiencing the event. The surfer does not surf merely to surf, but because they place a value on adventure or competition or connecting with friends or possibly because it increases their health. In other words, your values are what motivate your choices.

A "value" is something you seek to attain or maintain as an end in itself. "Running" is not an end in itself. The "health" you seek to attain or maintain is such an end. "Money" is not an end in itself: the reason you pursue money (freedom? security?) is an end. "Church" is not a value. The chief reason(s) you attend church would be the value. "Love" is a value, but it is a process not a thing. When you say "love" is a value, what do you mean by this? What about the process is of value to you? (intimacy? connection?)

Besides those I have already mentioned, some other examples of "values" are loyalty, education, spiritual connection, faithfulness, wisdom, problem solving, creativity, productivity, excellence, orderliness, learning, caring and mastery. What other can you think of? How many of these have you ever experienced?

Original Values

Where do most of our values come from? For most of us it was a process of unconscious osmosis!

When I was 6 years old, I would often ride around with my grandfather in his Cadillac. He would take me around with him as he checked on various crews of men who were building fences. One Saturday, he decided to take three of his crews (about 12 men) out for lunch. As he pulled up in front of the restaurant, three of his trucks pulled in right next to us. We all piled out and walked to the door, with my grandfather leading the way.

When my grandfather opened the door, there was a man standing there waiting for him who told him something that clearly angered my grandfather. He turned sharply back to the car and yelled for his men to return to their trucks. He was livid. As he slammed the car door, he turned to me and said, "If you treat people like animals, you are the animal. Never forget son, all of us are made in God's image and deserve to be treated with respect." The man would only serve blacks at the backdoor of the restaurant.
In my mind, my grandfather was the incarnation of Zeus, Moses and John Wayne. When he spoke it was Zeus thundering from Olympus, Moses coming down from Mt. Sinai, John Wayne saying, "Knock, Knock…" after he had burst into the room.

What do you think happened inside this little boy? "Mental note: treat all humans with respect." I didn't think about it. I didn't consider it. I didn't study other alternatives. I simply adopted one of my grandfather's highest values.

Not long after this, my father decided to leave the family business, go to graduate school, and become a minister. His sacrifices were enormous; as were the sacrifices he made for those he cared for over the next 20 years.
Little boy: "Mental note: sacrificing for others is good."

So is it any wonder this little boy grew up with a passion to serve others, and to work with charities and relief agencies? Those values motivated my choices.

Now you may think, "Well that was a good thing…those are good values." But the fact is I had no idea what my values were. The source of my happiness and the reasons behind my choices were like the wind: I had no idea where it came from or where it went. Had the value not been "good" for what I later wished to do with my life or had I adopted values that were destructive, or counter productive to my quest. I would be totally ignorant as to how to remedy the situation-or worse, would not even be aware that something needed "remedying."

How many people have any idea where their happiness comes from? It is a source of mystery to them. And because this is true, they have no idea whether their values are serving their Quest or not. And what about values that did serve them but now are outdated for the next phase of their journey?

If you do not know what your values are or how to you can't change them, the reasons for your choices and the experience of happiness will continue to elude you.

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Read more articles on this subject:

Who is in Control?

How do I get there?

Written by
Dr. Monte E. Wilson, III
Andrea Higham, Editor
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