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Stay in the Moment
by CV Doner, PhD

Despite our best intentions, many of us spend most of our lives stressed out. Consequently, we grow increasingly frustrated, irritable and finally exhausted.

Stress comes in many forms. Right now I'm going to address self-imposed stress rather than external stress created by factors outside our control. In fact, external events, while often representing the largest stresses (loss of a job, loved one, home, work or relationships, conflicts, etc,) are usually the fewest in number. And the reason we find these occurrences stressful is, in most cases, a matter of how we choose to interpret and react to them. Even potentially devastating news such as a health crisis, employment termination or relationship failure can be interpreted in a positive light as a new opportunity to strengthen one's faith in God, find a better job or a more meaningful relationship, etc. So today, let's focus on the dozens of self-imposed (or internal) stresses we load upon ourselves.

While none of the myriad of items on your daily "to do" list may seem stressful individually, together their sheer volume can be simply overwhelming. Being overwhelmed automatically means "being stressed out" in addition to being frustrated, exhausted, and perhaps even feeling hopeless about getting it all done. Of course these feelings in turn may cause us to behave in a hypersensitive (i.e. irritable) manner to any additional requests or demands on our time and energy - no matter how small or innocent. Feeling stretched to the limit, we react with frustration (usually crying for the ladies or angry outbursts for the men, or binge eating or drinking for both sexes).

If you stop to think about it, there really is nothing threatening about a long to do list. After all, it's just words on paper! What creates stress is the power we award to our list (whether it's a written or mental list) when we insist on keeping it in the back of our mind just beneath the surface of our awareness - lurking in the shadows like an intruder ready to attack at any moment.

Even when not consciously thinking about specific "to do's," we feel the presence of "Damocles sword" hanging over our head, ready to plunge at any moment with the message, "You're not going to get it done no matter how hard you try or how fast you hurry." We may feel like the ancient Israelis when the Pharaoh demanded they make "more bricks with less straw."

It only gets worse when you intentionally think about some of the specifics you haven't gotten done. Why? Because invariably one of your "to do's" will pop up its ugly head while you're trying to do something else - robbing you of the joy of the moment. So when your kids (or your mate) want to play or talk, or you want to take a quiet moment for yourself, or even when you want to enjoy a relaxing walk or an awesome sunset - you're thinking about a work deadline, an unsolved problem, a laundry list of more errands, a call you have to make, or a myriad of other concerns and worries. So rather than greet an invitation to play or talk with warmth and enthusiasm, you display irritability at one more demand on your exhausted reserve of time and energy. Instead of being fully present, i.e. paying full attention, to the moment you're actually in - watching the sunset, taking a stroll, or even enjoying your favorite TV show, you're distracted, distressed and anxious about what's left undone.

So what's the answer? First, common sense suggests maybe we ought to cut down the size of our list to the extent possible. What requests can we say "no" to? What activities or errands aren't absolutely necessary - at least this week? But to be honest, while trimming your list may be helpful, there are always more things to do than can be done in the allotted time. (Trust me, this is just the way it works!).

Second, with that in mind we can cut ourselves a little slack. Instead of beating yourself up, practice kindly reminding yourself that it's not the end of the world if you can't accomplish everything you want by the deadline you've given yourself. Relax, there's always "Mañana."

Third, and most important of all, practice staying in the moment. The fact is, most of us are not "present" - mentally focused - on the current moment. Instead we are normally mulling over some past problem, hurt, conversation or experience - either good or bad. Even more likely, we have mentally projected ourselves into the future (and here's where the stress emanates from) working ourselves into a state of anxiety, visualizing our list of incomplete projects, or wondering how we will handle some upcoming challenge or conversation. Or we may busy ourselves with wondering about some potential problem which in all likelihood will never occur. Although your body is securely anchored in the present moment, your mind has disappeared into a distant location in the past or future. If your mind was to join your body by focusing on the present moment, you might notice that whatever was actually happening is stress-free! We bring stress on ourselves by refusing to "stay in the moment" and by opting to focus on thoughts that trigger anxiety or irritation - from either the past or the future.

To be honest, staying in the moment isn't as easy as it sounds. Our minds are in the habit of constantly ruminating on past problems or future concerns. But, while it is hard work, it can be incredibly rewarding to actually pay attention to what's happening around you when it's happening! When you notice your mind wandering, make an effort to bring it back to the present - you may have just entered a "no-stress zone!" You may also be surprised by what you're missing - things that you could learn about yourself or others by carefully observing conversations, reactions or even your own thoughts. Or perhaps you'll just be reawakened to the simple pleasures of eating, exercising, or resting when not intruded upon by thoughts from the stress zone.