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Have to, Need To or Want To?
By Dr. Monte Wilson

A young man who had attended one of my Sales and Persuasion trainings a while back recently emailed me asking if I could possibly help him with a problem he was having. I said certainly and we set up a time for a conversation on the phone. The problem? His job was “killing” him. As he had been in and out of doctor’s offices seeking to deal with his stress levels and anxiety attacks, he meant that literally.

Monte: Why don’t you quit?
Him: I can’t. There is no where else I can make this kind of money, and my wife and children need me to provide for them.
Monte: Take a job that pays less, and tell your wife to start working outside of the home. (I wasn’t really suggesting this but wanted to make a point.)
Him: NO WAY. The kids are young and need their mother home with them.

As we talked, I kept offering more and more alternatives that he also quickly shot down as “impossible.” The problem was that he felt trapped. He had duties. He had to do this; there was no other choice. My goal was to get him to a more relaxed and resourceful state where other decisions were possible. To do this I wanted to change the frame in which he had placed his dilemma. My experience is that, quite often, if we change the context of the challenge, we change the nature and experience of that challenge.

Monte: So…your experience is that you are stuck…trapped?
Him: Yes!
Monte: You aren’t.
Him: Excuse me?
Monte: Let’s say that you walk into your house one day and a strange guy with a gun says, “Either give me all your money or I will kill them.” What would you do?
Him: If I couldn’t get to my 9mm, I would give him all my money.
Monte: Well, you know you don’t have to do that don’t you? I mean…you do have a choice. You could let them all be killed.
Him: You gotta be kidding me?
Monte: Come on…is it that you have to save your family’s life or you want to save their lives?
Him: I WOULD WANT TO.
Monte: Just so. There is a choice, and, given the circumstances, no matter how limited you perceive your choices to be, you want to make the choice to give him all of your money.

What I wanted to do here was get this man out of feeling stuck and into a place where he was doing what he wanted to do. It was a choice, freely made. A choice, given all of the options he thought were available to him, he wanted to make. I then suggested that for 7 days, whenever he thought about his job, he begin thinking in terms of “This is what I want to do…for now.” There was to be no more Have To.

Think of something you experience as a Have To. Let’s say that you hate mowing the lawn: that for you it is a Have To. Now, do this. Say to your self “I have to mow the lawn.” Say it over and over for a brief time. Next, say over and over, “I need to mow the lawn.” Finally, say over and over, “I want to mow the lawn.” If you are like most people, each word (have to, need to, want to) changes your experience of the activity.

After one week, the young man and I spoke again. Even over the phone, I instantly noticed the change in his attitude.

Monte: So, any changes in your levels of stress this past week?
Him: Weird. By the end of the week I was looking at my job in a totally different context. For real, too!

Later, he saw that other choices were available and made a different choice, found a different job, and did so because he wanted to. However, he said that even if this had not happened, by merely seeing that this was what he wanted to do—given all the circumstances—his entire attitude had changed toward that old job.

If you have some tasks at home or work that, up until now, you hated doing--hated even the thought of doing--change the frame and start saying, “I want to do this,” and see what happens. If you feel stuck or trapped in circumstances where you have thought, “I have to do this,” be honest with yourself: Given the circumstances as you see them, it is what you want to do. You might as well begin saying to yourself “I want to” rather than “I have to,” so that you can lighten up a bit and experience a more resourceful state. Or not. It’s your choice.