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What are You Listening For?
by Monte Wilson

What do you listen for?

When people engage you in conversations, what are you primarily listening for: what is your attention focused upon?

For many people, the instant response is usually, “I dunno … I just listen.” Maybe. Maybe not. Given our history, our values, our beliefs, our desires, our fears, I think we more often than not are listening for something specific, although we are usually not aware of doing this.

Do you listen—

For what you judge to be error?
For areas of dis-agreement?
For information that may give you leverage and power over others?
For hot-spots/soft-spots that you can use to your advantage?
For proof this person—those people—cannot be trusted, loved, allowed into your world?
For what you dread?
For proof that life sucks?
For proof that life/people/work/GOD is as you fear?
For evidence that you are invisible, unworthy, a pain in the butt?
For the end of the sentence so you can jump in with what you have been saying to yourself while they were speaking?

Or--

Do you listen for specific needs/desires/dreams so as to become more fully aware of those whom you love or with whom you work?
Do you listen for new information or a perspective that challenges yours, so as to facilitate your growth as a human?
Do you listen so as to better understand?
Do you listen to the entire person with your entire person: not only hearing their spoken words, but the underlying intent and emotion of those words?

Do you listen actively? In other words, do people see by your demeanor that you are truly listening, and do you ask questions that clarify or help you delve deeper into the intent of what is being said?

Why is any of this important? I think it is important on a number of levels. One reason I think this is because what we listen for dictates what we will say. For example, if we typically are listening for what is “wrong” or for “error,” then our conversations will frequently center upon telling people where they are missing it, how their so-called facts are erroneous, and then demonstrating the truth of our own assertions. This isn’t necessarily a Bad Thing: however, it can wear on a long-term relationship, yes? Or if we are constantly looking for what we do not want, won’t we in fact find it? What if we, instead, looked for what we did value?

Do this for one week—

Think about what you usually are listening for: maybe it is in the above list, possibly not. Whatever it is, choose something different to focus on in your conversations. For example, if you usually listen for areas of disagreement, for one week listen for areas of agreement. Or, if you find yourself usually listening for errors or gaps in understanding, for one week listen for where people do have some understanding or knowledge. If you are listening for Why This Person Cannot Be Trusted, listen for Why This Person Can Be Trusted. And so forth.

Do you hear what I am suggesting here? Can you feel what I am after?

After a week of this, look back on your conversations and see what was different about your conversations.