Healthy Relationships > Communication > Persuading Vs. Conflict

Communication

Don’t Put Up With Bullies
By Dr. Monte Wilson

Years ago, an older woman called to ask my advice about dealing with her husband’s harsh treatment of her. While he had always been a bit on the stern side, due to some debilitating illnesses his behavior had become unbearable. Knowing that I knew her husband quite well, she wanted to know if she should patiently endure his abuse or confront him.

“The next time he begins abusing you quietly tell him that you will never again subject yourself to this abuse. That if he wants to talk as adults, you will gladly sit down and talk. But if he starts verbally abusing you again, you will leave the room.”

“I can do that?”

“Yes. In fact I believe you must do that for both of your sakes.”

“What if when I leave the room he follows me?”

“If he keeps abusing you, go to another room…or leave the house.”

The next day she called all excited.

“It was amazing! He followed me into the bedroom yelling at me, so I got my car keys and went shopping. When I got home he wouldn’t talk to me or even look at me. When we got up this morning, he apologized and said he wouldn’t act that way again. I have put up with this for over 40 years: why didn’t someone ever tell me that I didn’t have to?”

I knew this woman’s husband was a control freak and that he knew just what buttons to push so as to manipulate her. I also knew that he was a very insecure man when it came to her and that his behavior was his juvenile attempt at keeping her in her place, to keep her feeling like she didn’t quite cut it as a wife so that she would “try harder.” His hidden fear was that she would discover that behind the curtain of his persona was a scared little man.

The world is filled with such people.

Small people who seek to use their titles, positions or uniforms to control you and thus helping them to feel important.

Weak people who compensate for their lack of self-respect by making you feel smaller.

Frightened people who throw their attitudes around like so many weapons so as to distract you from seeing their inadequacies.

Arrogant people who see everyone around them as a means to their ends.

Clueless people who think that when they try to yank your chain that they are simply being assertive.

What amazes me is not that these people exist but that others put up with it. Certainly there will be times where confronting someone is not a wise choice. But how often do we yield to such behavior because we lack self-respect, not because we are being wise. O, we call it humility or submissiveness or wisdom or some other holy sounding word but the fact is we yield, not out of love, but out of fear.

“If I make a stand, what will people think of me?”
“If I refuse to subject myself to this behavior, s/he might reject me.”
“If I choose to not go along with their demands, I will make a scene.”
“I can’t handle the anger that comes my way when I resist his demands.”

The fact is that when we insist people treat us with respect in most cases they will do so. And if they don’t? Well, then either we need to work harder on their education or simply leave them alone, ignoring their behavior.

Victimizers and manipulators treat us the way they do because we (or others) have communicated to them that it is okay for them to do so. What we have told them is that their beliefs are more important than ours, that their values are more worthy of honor than ours, and that their needs and desires trump ours. In other words, we have told them that we are willing victims awaiting their every command.