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Learning & Changing

For Women Only: Healthy Relationships
Practical tips for every woman
By Dr. Monte Wilson

Okay men, go away!
Shoosh. This isn't for you…
I'mmmmm waaaaaaiting…

Okay! What I am offering here is food for thought, ideas to ponder, principles to reflect upon. Get the idea? This is not a bunch of information to breeze through and then forget. Think about it and discover whether or not there is any wisdom here for you and your life.

Do You Make Time for Yourself Outside of Your Roles?

There is no healthy mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister unless there is a healthy you.

Health consists of the development of the whole person: spiritual, psychological emotional, etc. This gives you MORE to bring to your roles.

If you do not take your armor off everyday--step out of your roles--then you will find it increasingly difficult to be anything but a role --an object that exists for others to use.

Rather than a person who serves out of strength, you will be an empty vessel serving out of weakness.

Close your eyes, shut the world out, and be naked before God: remember, one life with no second chances.

Can You Keep Your Boundaries and Help Others to Do the Same?

The more intimate the relationship the more critical this is. To lose oneself in the other is make you redundant! How can "I" add to "You" if there is no "I"?

To allow people to use you is a choice that is made. Sometimes you know they are using you, but its okay because there is something you wish to accomplish in yourself or on their behalf. But it must be a conscious choice out of strength not one based upon "O-my-I-am-worthless" or an "I-exist-only-through-and-for-others".

People do not always know how to express their love to you, so you have to communicate with them. This is what makes me feel loved. You must also be willing to expand your awareness and receive love in other ways…as well as give it in ways that have been unfamiliar to you.

What About the 'I' in I Love You?

Whether this is a familial or romantic or platonic relationship-There must be an "I" to begin this sentence. Who am I? What do I value? What do I hold sacred? What do I believe? Where am I headed, etc.? These questions must have been answered to some significant degree. Then I must understand the nature of love-which is NOT unconditional (a moral blank check that you sign and give to the other, allowing them to desecrate everything you are and hold dear, requiring YOU to pay the bill). Then I must see the YOU I profess to love. It is not "I-Love-The-You-I-Will-Make-You-Into" nor is it "I-Love-the-You-I-Am-Projecting-Onto-You". It is, "I love the you that you are".

How Can You Have More Self Respect?

A key ingredient is the belief that, "I am competent for life. I have the tools to make wise decisions." This doesn't mean that you will always be correct, but it does mean that you know the paradigm you use for decision-making is sound. For you, hopefully this paradigm consists of such things as The Ten Commandments, Laws of Love, and God.

It also includes a realistic view of human nature. Pascal said that Man is both the GLORY and the RUBBISH of the universe. Never ever forget this about others or yourself.

What Exactly is Forgiveness?

You must always carry forgiveness in your heart for those who have wronged you. However, that is very different from having no boundaries; from being so vulnerable and defenseless that you end up giving a part of your soul to all who come. What do you call a woman who gives her body to any man who asks? Why then do we think this is a virtue when an individual gives up their identity, her soul indiscriminately? But Jesus did not entrust Himself to them, for He knew all men. John. 2.

What Role do Rules play in a Relationship?

Most relationships fail because of the unwritten rules that were never discussed or agreed upon.

Simply because someone breaks your rules does not necessarily mean they have sinned against you. If you have a rule that says, No one is allowed to yell at me, that is fine for you. However, is it a universal law that is applied to all people? And did your loved ones even know you had such a law? I suggest that you must negotiate the rules of a relationship.

Certainly there are laws that are applicable to all people whether we like it or not. But this is not where most relationships fail: most fail because of the unwritten rules that were never discussed thoroughly, never understood and never agreed upon.

What is the Right Mindset for a Successful Relationship?

Most people delete the good and focus on the bad. They then allow THE BAD to define themselves and their lives. The more they look at THE BAD, the more clearly the definition of their personality is spelled out by THE BAD. I am not suggesting we ignore THE BAD, but I do believe we must train ourselves to see the love and good in ourselves (as God's finest creation) and in others.

Your mind is like a computer. If you ask, "Why am I a creep?" it searches the computer for the answers to verify the assumption of creepiness. It will also answer the questions, "Why am I unique, blessed, competent for life?", etc.

Stop asking only questions that undermine your ability to live life with joy and strength and ask questions that will focus your mind on potential, goodness, beauty and nobility, etc.

How do I Balance Humility/Submission with Self-Respect?

Humility is not about believing the worst about yourself. It is agreeing with what is true about yourself. As John Stott, the famous Anglican Bible scholar and author points out, when Jesus gave His famous "Sermon on the Mount," and shocked His audience with "blessed are the meek-they shall inherit the earth" (the Greek words that we translate "meek" simply mean someone who has a "true "estimate of oneself").

In other words, no false humility or arrogance - just acceptance of yourself as God made you - with gifts, strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes it is the truth that you are RIGHT, that you are capable by God's grace of doing such-and-such…and to disagree with this is arrogance!

Submission is an attitude of deference. There is an over all YES in my heart toward the other. However, I am not permitted to say YES to a NO of God. I cannot say YES to someone who says, "You are my slave and must meet my every need even if it desecrates all that you are and hold sacred." The only unqualified YES is to God.