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Learning & Changing

Keeping Your Healthy Relationships
By Greg Anderson

Sometimes it seems that all of life is a relationship. We have relationships with everything - from people to food to possessions, even to this site and especially with ourselves.

The relationships we have with the world are largely determined by the relationships we have with ourselves. And that relationship is highly influenced by the relationships we had as children with the adults around us. Our childhood experiences still color our behavior today. Either we mirror the way adults reacted to us, or we react against it.

The only way we'll change our relationships is to change ourselves. Whether our troubles are with a friend, lover, spouse, child, relative, boss, co-worker, or employee, when we see something we don't like in another, what we see is a direct reflection of ourselves. It's a look in the mirror. When we change our own patterns of relating, we find that the friend, spouse, child, or boss changes too.

The trouble comes when we start to lay blame. When we blame, we give away our power. When a child (or adult) says, "You make me mad," the implicit assumption is "I'm mad, but you have to change." What happened to the control? For this situation to resolve itself, someone else has to change. The person with the problem has just rendered herself or himself powerless.

Let's not give our considerable power away. Without power, we can never take responsibility for making the changes that improve our lives. Give away power and we become helpless victims.

There is a better way. It's the Law of Win/Win.

A vibrant marriage is impossible without win/win as its centerpiece. Parenting is a nightmare without deep unconditional love and respect coupled with a win/win attitude. Friendships, school and community activities, philanthropy - all live or die around the Law of Win/Win.

But what if you commit yourself to the Law of Win/Win and your commitment is not reciprocated? Perhaps others haven't even heard of win/win, or maybe they are deeply scripted in win/lose.

It's now time for a test. Win/win isn't always the easiest achievement, especially in the short term. But if one, just one person in the relationship will make the statement and keep the position that he or she will seek a mutually beneficial solution, we will always come out better than if we had kept silent.

We must stay longer in the communication process. We must express ourselves with greater courage. At the same time, we must listen more carefully and in greater depth. Win/win means we strive for understanding first. We seek to be understood second.

The essence of wellness in difficult relationships is to become an example for the other person. Keep communication lines open until the other person begins to realize that you genuinely want to resolve the issue in a way that is truly win/win for both. When we do this, we succeed in ways we never before imagined.

The Law of Win/Win hinges on this process. First understand, then be understood, and strive for mutual benefit. The more committed we are to genuinely, sincerely giving ourselves to the mutually beneficial outcome, the more powerful our influence on the other person will be. Win/win goes beyond finding a "solution" and toward committing all parties to a higher way. Now we can see that each of us will get more of what he or she wants by going for what it is that we both want.

That's transformation! That's a new, "weller" life. That's the non-negotiable Law of Win/Win.

Condensed from:
The 22 {Non-Negotiable} Laws of Wellness: feel, think, and live better than you ever thought possible - by Greg Anderson

This article can be found in our Healthy Body and Mind section