Healthy Relationships > Learning and Changing > True Friends

Learning & Changing

True Friends

One of my favorite Proverbs is: "Associate with the wise and you become like them, associate with fools and become one" (13:20) - a piece of wisdom that can be especially telling when looking at the quality of our friendships.

We all (I hope) have friends. Yet most of us yearn for a true friendship, one deeper, richer, and safer then what we have now. So what is a true friend?

A true friend is...

. much more than someone with whom we are merely "friendly." We're friendly with our neighbors, co-workers, classmates, customers, members of our churches or civic groups, and so on. You probably have a few special girlfriends or buddies you can go to lunch with, yuck it up with, or maybe even share a few personal triumphs and or challenges with-but nothing too personal. True friends come in where that kind of "friendliness" leaves off.  

True friends aren't of the "fair weather" variety. On the contrary, true friends stick with you through the good, the bad, and the ugly. They celebrate, rather than resent, your victories. They empathize with and support you through those bad times-when trials and tribulations bring you to your knees and you are most in need of a true friend. They even hang in there when you show or share your own "ugly" side. They are your best cheerleaders, supporters and "confidantes" all rolled into those magnificent, life-changing packages called true friends.

I suspect most of us are reticent (and wisely so) to confess too much to other people. And indeed, using a friend for a confessor can be a very risky proposition. But true friends don't betray confidences, judge you, or gossip behind your back. True friends practice the Golden Rule. They treat you the way they would like to be treated themselves. (Of course, if your friends are accustomed to being lied to and abused, you could be in for an unpleasant surprise.)

True friends also follow God's Ground Rules. They are not envious or jealous of your success. Which one of us hasn't experienced the let-down, the sickening feeling at the bottom of our stomachs, when our friends (or worse, our family) fail to celebrate our success, and instead try to put us down or belittle our achievements?

Ever watch a pile of crabs try to climb out of a pot? As one crab tries to make a little headway, it's pulled down by another crab, making it impossible for any crab to rise above the norm or achieve the exceptional. True friends aren't crabs.

"Good" Friends

Many people go through periods with no true friends, yet they still enjoy the companionship, the ability to laugh and share or commiserate, with some "good" friends. Whichever category is most prevalent in your life, here are some important considerations when choosing your friends:

First and foremost, friends will pretty well "set your limits." As mentioned above, your friends will either encourage your success or try to discourage or even sabotage it, if they don't want you to surpass them or leave them behind. Some friends fear that your success, a change in your appearance, a new job or degree might move you beyond their comfort level. No one wants to be rejected by their friends, so we can easily find ourselves adapting to their expectations.

Conversely, if your friends are wise, balanced, virtuous, and diligent, committed to intellectual, emotional and spiritual growth, then chances are you will be too-otherwise you would be uncomfortable hanging out with them. In fact, the synergy between you, and these types of friends will challenge you in positive directions. On the other hand, if your friends are goof-ups, lazy, foolish or emotionally, spiritually or intellectually stunted, the chances that you will elevate yourself above them aren't particularly good. There's a much better chance that, in order to continue to enjoy their companionship, you'll be influenced in negative directions.

Bottom Line: Think About It. Are your friends a positive or negative influence on you?

Is it worth it?

It's also good to remember that a friendship, if it's worth anything, demands a significant investment of your time and energy. So you need to ask yourself: Is this friendship worth it, and is the investment mutual, or are you doing all the work? Are your friends givers or takers? One way to figure that out is simply to notice if you feel drained or mildly discouraged after hanging out with your friends, or are you by contrast recharged, refreshed, and empowered?

Bottom Line: What's the return on your investment?

"Birds of a Feather..."

Like it or not, we all are judged by the character and quality of our friends. People assume, usually with quite a bit of truth, that our friends share with us similar attitudes, worldviews and levels of self-worth. So, if your constant companions are tagged as rowdies, low class, airheads or losers, chances are that's how you will be identified, too. Associating with competent, wise, kind, successful, "together" people, however, will increase your overall attractiveness and positive image with other people.

Bottom Line: Our lives will reflect, to some degree, the values and attitudes of our peer group. The old adage, "birds of a feather flock together," is at least based on popular conception if not fact! Be careful whom you fly with.

Given these considerations, what sagacious advice can we offer you to consider when deciding with whom to invest your valuable time, energy, trust and reputation? When looking for true friends, search carefully for people who have the same values. Traits you'll want to find in your friends are: kindness, common sense, loyalty, mutual interests, wisdom, confidence, considerateness, trustworthiness and, of course, forgiveness. Nobody needs friends who carry grudges. If you can, check out people's reputations before you become too chummy. Then ask yourself, is the reputation this person has well deserved or not? Is this the sort of person you want to have as a trusted friend? Whether this person's public persona is justified or not, are you willing to share it?

Bottom Line: Choose wisely - a true friend is rare indeed.