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Real Life Lessons

Ask Better Questions: Get Better Answers...
by CV Doner, PhD

We all carry on conversations with ourselves-non-stop, all day long. These internal dialogues are mostly made up of questions and answers. When our lives don't work it's often because we've given ourselves the right answers, but to the wrong questions. The key to finding the right answers is to ask the right questions, in the right way. For instance, don't set yourself up for negative consequences by asking questions like these:

• What's wrong with me? (You'll come up with too many answers!)
• Why am I so fat? (Because you're an undisciplined slob, etc, etc.!)
• Why am I so out of shape? (Because I'm lazy!)
• Why don't I have a better job? (I'm too uneducated, timid, incompetent, unattractive, lethargic, unlucky, etc.)
• What's wrong with my kids? (Look at their role models!)
• What's wrong with my spouse? (I'm not even going to go into this one!)

As you can see, when we ask questions like these, our mind can think of more than enough negative responses. Our subconscious mind is like a giant magnet that, since the day we were born, has picked up every negative statement that other people may have said about us, or even inferred that they might be thinking about us.

So, when we ask questions that invite a negative response, our mind reaches back into its subconscious reference library, and pulls up a large range of possibilities, none of them very life enhancing.

Now look at the vastly different answers (and imagine the different results) you can achieve by positively rephrasing these same questions:

Instead of what's wrong with me, ask, what are my strengths (to build on)? What areas do I still need to work on?

Now you have some specific goals that you can work toward, instead of indulging in a pity party.

Instead of asking "why am I so fat or out of shape?" ask instead; "What do I need to do to lose weight or to get into shape?"

This affords you the ability to set up an action plan with goals and actually achieve something other than just feeling bad.

As a matter of fact, once you set up an action plan, you begin to feel better. Once you begin to act on the plan (that's why we call it an action plan!), you'll feel much, much better. If you can just achieve a little bit once a week to begin with (how about losing one half pound a week, or visiting a gym once or twice a week?); this gives you the encouragement to increase the pace when you are ready.

Regarding your job or career, rephrase your questions so that you can actually get a constructive answer. Ask yourself, "what specific steps can I take to improve my career?" Where should I go for help or counseling? When do I start? What do I really want to do? How much money do I really need to make? Create an action plan (link). If you need help creating an action plan, seek out a friend who has measurable results in this area, and find a professional "Life coach."

With your family, ask yourself, how can I improve my interaction with my family? What is it that I really appreciate about them? What things can I do, or say, to improve on our existing relationship? How or what do I need to change?

The questions you ask dictate the kinds of answers (negative and self-destructive, or positive and life enhancing) you receive and hence the quality of life you will enjoy.

Next time you ask yourself a question, take a moment to notice how you're phrasing it, then adjust it so you'll get an answer that's truly useful.