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The Quest

Learning from Negativity

If there is one emotional response that rivals the human instinct to survive, it is the average human's drive to remain within the "normal and comfortable" range. Confusing situations or ones that threaten our comfort zones we label as "bad," or at least "negative," which more or less amounts to the same thing.

In the collective consciousness of Western culture, it seems that poverty, physical pain, unfavorable circumstances, mean people and being forced to eat your vegetables are negative things that must be eradicated from human experience if we're to mature and grow. Watching network news and reading the major newspapers, one is led to believe that a great majority of people are victims - people who, through no choice of their own, have suffered at the hands of other people or of nature.

Somewhere along the line we have adopted the belief that life should be easy and comfortable for every living soul, that life should come to us with no chocolate mess. We're to find no barriers along the way, nothing standing in the way of our goals, no one to aggravate us or go contrary to our beliefs of "how things are to be done."

This may be the way we wish life would come to us, but it's not the way life here on earth does play out. Life happens. This may come as a shock to some people, but we can't control how life shows up-only how we respond to it. The child who was physically abused by her parents couldn't control what happened to her. The woman who was abandoned by her husband can't change that fact. The man who just was told his company is downsizing and that he is no longer employed can't change the tides of the market place or how his company will respond to these currents.

I know a man who lost his parents when he was just six and lived as a homeless child on the streets of New York City for the next seven years; yet today he's an incredibly successful man in every area of his life. When you meet him, you would think his life had to have been idyllic from childhood on. I know another man whose father did nothing worse than yell at him, but who otherwise provided him with food, care, a nice house and a college education. This man is weak and ineffective in most every context of his life, blaming his father for making him a timid person. What is the difference here?

 

How, then, should we greet negative circumstances?

We can't choose how life unfolds before us. We can, however, choose how we'll respond to it. We can allow our so-called negative circumstances to cripple and emotionally enslave us, or we can choose to bow before them as our teachers.

Your Quest is going to include many circumstances that you would probably not have chosen had you been given a vote. No one "wants" to face a fire-breathing dragon, but the fact remains that the dragon may be there and need to be killed if you are to make progress.

One of the first things you must do when facing a dragon is to remember that the dragon's presence isn't necessarily a negative commentary on your relationship with God. Now, fighting the dragon may strengthen your relationship with Him, but that's not the same as saying that the presence of the dragon means you're a bad person. It simply states that dragons exist and need to be fought sometimes.

Many people consistently see negative circumstances as some sort of divine evaluations of their characters. They say to themselves, "I must be a bad person, because these bad circumstances wouldn't have occurred had I been good." Jesus lived through some pretty challenging circumstances-was He a bad person?

What if your circumstances are due to a breach of morality? Okay. Then ask God's forgiveness, make restitution wherever possible.and move on. Even in these circumstances, the individual can retard his or her progress by self-pity and remorse. Such emotional states are neither virtuous, nor will they serve their Quests one bit.

A very valuable tool for your Quest is the ability to detach from the immediacy and subjectivity of the circumstances surrounding you. When you learn to step back from a situation so as to make a more objective evaluation of the circumstances, you'll have made incredible progress on your way.

If a married couple comes to me wanting my counsel in a marital dispute, what would be the most helpful perspective for me to adopt? Should I allow myself to be hypnotized by one or both of their stories, or should I detach myself so as to evaluate each of their perspectives, and then look at and evaluate the situation from many other angles? The second tactic will be far more helpful, won't it?

Then why don't we do the same with our own circumstances?

One of the things we discover, once we learn to take a step back from the urgency of whatever pain, fear, anger or confusion we are immersed in, is that we're can more readily see how these so-called negative situations can be used for our benefit. Now, instead of the issue being an impediment to our progress, we see it as a teacher that can strengthen us for the journey. It may end up being something to ignore and walk around (some dragons are none of our business). But it's impossible to see a situation from multiple perspectives while you stand in or under the circumstances.

One of the limitations of our ego is its insistence upon striving to play only to its strengths and avoiding, at all costs, even the appearance of weakness. But how will we ever grow as humans if we allow this to go on? If we never explore or exercise areas of weakness, how are we going to expand and mature? The Lord of our Quest knows this and allows "teachers" to come our way that can usurp and overrule our egos, and thereby strengthen our ability to learn from our weaknesses.

The next time you experience less-than-favorable circumstances, don't simply throw your hands in the air in disbelief, despairing of your "luck." Take a giant step back and consider the incredible opportunities for growth and wisdom you have just been offered!

Living Life with Skill