Successful Living > The Quest > Self Awareness

The Quest

Self Awareness

I know a man who sees himself as a real player-A-Team all the way. He talks and carries himself as if he were the embodiment of every great spiritual leader across the ages. The interesting thing is that neither his friends nor family see him in this light: no one does except himself. Further, those who sought to gently disabuse him of his illusion and point out that leaders usually had followers were quickly excommunicated from the orbit of his greatness.

Have you ever known someone who saw himself as a real ladies man…but never had a date? What about the Information Management Guru who can't hold a job longer than a year and just knows it is due to jealousy rather than the fact that he is incompetent? Or what about the individual who complains of loneliness while having offended every person who ever sought to befriend him?

Progress in our Quest requires self-awareness. Who am I, really? Is my behavior congruent with my stated beliefs? Are my values consistently reflected in my decision-making? Do those who are closest to me see me as I see myself?

The fact is that I can see myself as a loyal knight of the Round Table, but if I run from every dragon and ignore every damsel in distress and refuse to come to the defense of my fellow knights, the truth is that I am not a loyal knight. My behavior trumps my professions.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…

Think of your surrounding physical reality as hundreds of mirrors: most of the mirrors will be accurate, some will not. The physical universe is constantly giving you evidence as to who you really are (up until now) and what you actually are doing or accomplishing. For example, if a majority of the people-mirrors in your life respond to you as a demanding, self-centered person, although you assert your humility and see yourself as a very easy-going person, I suggest you consider the message of the mirrors.

Have you ever listened to an audio recording of your voice? I remember the first time I listened to a recording of me singing. My first response was, "Who switched the tape?" I could not believe the person I was listening to was me. The problem was that I had always heard my voice from within my own head. This was the first time I had heard myself as others had always heard me. It wasn't that the voice sounded horrible: it was simply different-drastically so.

Most people never leave their own skin. All they have ever known of themselves is what they see, hear, hear, smell, taste or feel from within their own bodies. The consequences of such a life-style are quite problematic.

• You fancy yourself as a very funny person, but many of those closest to you experience your humor as a lethal weapon.
• You think your work habits are above and beyond the call of duty: your boss thinks that, while you are always busy, you are rarely productive.
• You believe your worth in the market place to be one thing, yet the market refuses to endorse your opinion.
• You see yourself as weak person with little to offer the world around you. Your friends experience you as the most wise, kind, caring and attentive person they have ever known

The fact is that some people-mirrors are predisposed to reflecting their own presuppositions and opinions regarding who and what you are, regardless of evidence to the contrary. Such people should not be taken seriously. However, when a majority of people-mirrors in your world are reflecting the same message back to you, it would be wise to consider the feedback.

The mirror of the physical universe is a gift to us. It reveals our weakness and strengths, it keeps us from illusions and it provides a constant reality-check on who and what we think we are. The trick is to remind our selves to periodically look into the mirrors!.

In the Moment

Have you ever been walking through a shopping mall and had the guy in front of you stop so suddenly you almost crashed into his backside? It was as if no one else existed in the mall but him. He was totally unaware that there were other people around him. What about the driver who slips across four lanes as if he were driving on his own private racetrack with no other drivers present? How many people float through their lives in just the same fashion?

Knowing what to pay attention to-and when to pay attention to it-is critical to a successful journey. How many opportunities for personal growth or financial profit offers themselves to us from moment to moment do we miss because we were unaware of their presence? How often have we been scorched by a fire-breathing dragon that, had we been paying attention, we could have either killed or avoided? How many times has an individual mirrored back to us a reflection that, had we noticed, we could have changed our behavior in a way that would have been far more useful to our outcome?

Observe people who really, really excel at what they do: a pianist, an actor, a parent, a golf player. At the moment they are engaged in their genius, notice something: there is only the piano, only the stage, only the child, only the next golf shot. In every way, they are in the moment. Imagine engaging yourself in this manner. What would happen?

Some people are oblivious to "the moment" in which they are living because they are stuck in the past. They cannot see the present or the future with any clarity because they are constantly looking at life through past experiences. The voices and pictures in their heads are all about "that time": the divorce, the lost job, the drinking problem or the unrealized dream. It is one thing to remember the past so as to gain wisdom; it is a different matter altogether to live in the past as if it were the present.

The past does not have to dictate the future. "Once an X always an X" is not a Christian belief. Remember all those teachings about conversion, transformation and new life? "You once were this, now you are this. In the past, you chose to live one way, but now you have decided to turn and live differently." The past should not define you.

Then there are those who focus entirely on the future. They have latched on to a dream or a fear that is somewhere out there. Consequently, they cannot see or experience the moment in which they now exist. The problem here is that the only way to the future is through the present. It is our moment-by-moment choices in the present that create our future.

In my travels as a director of charities, I have met so many people who pass up an opportunity to do good today because they are focused on doing something "great" tomorrow. Their thoughts are all on some future desire or goal. They see the present, not as stepping-stones to the future, but as a distraction or impediment from the more important things that are about to come their way. They hope. Maybe. Possibly. Just wait…you'll see.

Maybe this is not an area you think needs all that much attention in your life? Okay. Do something for yourself. Choose three people who know you the best. Go to them and ask them how they experience you. In other words, ask them, "Do you think I live in the past/future more than in the present?" Be certain to do whatever it takes to secure them so that they feel free to be honest with you. Also, explain what it is you are looking for regarding their assessment. Of course, it is your life. If you wish to hang a sheet over the mirrors around you and live in the bliss of ignorance, then by all means, skip this assignment.

Another assignment. The next time you take a day off, I want you to turn the voices off inside your head. You know the one's I am talking about. All those voices that talk to you about the past or future: turn them off.

Imagine a console with toggle switches out in front of your face. You can turn the sound in your head up or down merely by raising or lowering the switch. Reach out and lower the switch so that there are no sounds in your head.

Some of you are so accustomed to having a constant conversation with yourselves that you probably will have to repeatedly turn the switch down. Be quiet. Stop the chatter. When you are speaking with people, do not think about what you will say when they stop talking: simply listen to them. When you look at the world around you, do not tell yourself what it is you are looking at. Do not talk to yourself about comparisons; do not judge anything as "good" or "bad." Be quiet. Observe.

If you find this challenging, do not start yelling at yourself. Turn those voices down, too. Then go back to the toggle switch and start again. When the day is over, you can turn the sound back on and reflect on the experience. If there was a voice that you constantly had to turn down, what was it saying? Was it your voice or someone else's? In the times of silence, what was your experience? How was it different from those times when you were talking to yourself?

The way we often give meaning to the world around us is by saying, "This is That. This person has always been this way, so they are THIS WAY. This experience has always meant X to me, so it means X now. This is how I have responded in the past so this is how I will now respond. That is a tree…a car…a bird…" If we turn off the voices we can be more spontaneous in the moment. We can choose how we will respond. We can see things and people and ourselves in a different light.

If up until now you have spent most of your waking moments living in the future, I want you to think of that future experience or goal that has captivated your mind.Is it something that, if you attain it, will be good for you in every context of life? How will attaining this outcome affect your health, family, friendships, career, finances and other desired outcomes? If it fits, if it is a wise and healthy outcome for you to choose, begin to map out exactly what you have to do so as to arrive at your destination. What is the process? What are the steps that you will need to take? Then, as yourself this, "What can I do today that will take me one step closer to the my goal-and-what can I do today to enjoy the process?"

Is it a future fear that captivates your thoughts and writes the dialogue for the voices in your head? Specifically, what is it you fear? On a scale of 1-10, the number ten being "absolutely certain," the number one being "probably not," how do you rate your fear? What evidence do you have that will support your evaluation-what concrete evidence do you have?

Next, what I want you to do is to think of the emotion of fear as a signal that you need to prepare for something. What is it that you need to prepare for? What is it that you can do to either prepare for this coming event or avoid it? What specifically can you do, today? Tomorrow? This is where you will want to focus your energy. And, as you do remember this: Anxiety is birthed by a belief that we have discovered something that God is not aware of or something that God is unable to handle. Now there's a sentence worth repeating to yourself!